A lady visiting an art gallery saw the owner receive an anniversary gift. The visitor asked, “Which anniversary.” “Our 53rd.” “That’s impressive. I hope you’re planning some special celebration.” The owner of the gallery smiled and said, “When you have a nice man, it really doesn’t matter.” That is the kind of love that characterizes a Spirit-filled marriage. It is the kind of love Cheryl and I strive for in our relationship. We celebrate anniversary number 43 today. I am fortunate enough to be married to a nice person. Our marriage is not perfect. But with God’s help, keeping Christ at the center of our lives, it has been a lasting source of joy and comfort to us.

A few years ago, back when we were both still working, we were having a very busy time in our lives, arriving home late every day. On one such day, I stopped and picked up her favorite pizza on my way home. She was already home when I got there. I walked in carrying the pizza and asked her, “Who’s your hero?”  Without missing a beat, she said, “Jesus!” While it wasn’t the answer I was looking for at that moment, it was the best answer I could have heard. It is the attitude that a person does not complete you — Jesus does. It is because she loves Jesus that she works at loving me (which I know takes a lot of work most of the time). And it is because I love Jesus that I try to show love to her.

That is not true of all marriages. You may know that first-hand. Some marriages are miserable. Even among Christians. And there are reasons for that. Simply put, the reasons all come down to one thing – sin. But there are also remedies.

When a couple asked me to officiate at their wedding, I had them meet with me several times for counseling and planning. One of the things I always did was spend some time discussing this passage with them.

Ephesians 5:21-31 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” (NIV)

This is God’s plan for the one-flesh union He intended for us to have. Let’s consider what God says about finding fulfillment in marriage.

1. Fulfillment comes not in taking, but in giving

Whether you like to admit it or not, you are by nature self-centered. You are more concerned about taking than giving. And that works against you in relationships, including marriage. Your sinful nature wants to live as though you are single and independent, not part of Christ’s bride, the church, and not under His Lordship. Your priorities are personal, not communal. You take an attitude and live a lifestyle that puts yourself first and the other person second. That is not the formula for a happy marriage.

When you are only interested in taking and getting, you don’t have the right frame of mind for what God intends marriage to be. However, when you lay aside those attitudes, when you stop thinking just about yourself, you will find a fulfilling freedom that comes through giving of yourself and submitting to one another. “We” becomes more important than “me.”

Giving of yourself is the most precious gift and it deepens a relationship. You experience intimacy – emotional and physical and spiritual – when you give of yourself. But this kind of total and complete intimacy that is part of God’s plan is only possible when you take the attitude that you are no longer two, but one. This kind of intimacy is not possible if one or both have the attitude that they can walk away at any time. That is not truly giving yourself. Giving yourself completely in the marriage relationship is a big risk. It leaves you totally vulnerable and unprotected. Sometimes you get hurt, hurt badly. But if there are two people willing to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, there will also be forgiveness, and the good will far outweigh the bad in their relationship.

2. Fulfilling love comes through Christ

Submission to each other was part of God’s plan from the first. However, sin corrupted marriage along with everything else when it estranged all humanity from God. The only way for us to achieve the proper attitude and mindset comes from Christ. He is the perfect, divine model. Everything He did was motivated by love. He willingly took the submissive role, subjecting himself to the law, taking our sins on Himself, giving Himself over to a shameful death on a cross. He laid Himself out there, completely vulnerable and unprotected, and took the full impact of the punishment our sins deserve. In doing so, He fulfilled God’s design. He carried out the plan for your salvation that God had established from the foundation of the world. In Baptism He washed you and presents you as holy and blameless before God. You are united to Him, made part of His body. Your faith that He is your Savior gives you that peace that surpasses all understanding, the confidence that you are safe in His hands. That is your motivation to live as He lived and love as He loved.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. If the love of Jesus is in your hearts, it will also be in your lives and relationships. Knowing that you have been freed from condemnation will encourage you to stop making your own judgments about others. Having received forgiveness from Christ will give you a forgiving spirit in your life. His love frees you to see beyond yourselves. It equips you to love as you have been loved.